What would the World be like if every Woman felt Safe?

Protecting Future Generations of Children

All of humanity emerges from the womb. Science has proven that trauma is genetically inherited, even passed down as far as three generations.* When a woman has experienced trauma, the survival instincts that she develops as a coping mechanism to ensure her safety, is then passed onto her children, and her children’s children. Internalized trauma can result in a lack of trust in one’s self, in other men, in other women, and in community. We have been birthing a world without trust. A world without trust is established on fear and separation.

Breaking boundaries, lying, cheating, manipulation, control, mental abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are common forms of trauma. When you constantly have your boundaries trespassed, it’s easy to think that you’re the problem- and that you’re being unreasonable. Overtime, this will lead to a victim-complacency. When you are being lied to, your intuition- which is your strongest survival mechanism, is being challenged. Our intuition is our guiding light. For example, you ask your fiancé straight-on if he is cheating on you and he tells you no, but then you find out later that your intuition was correct. This is shocking not only because of the secrecy, but because your trust is now broken not only in him but also within yourself. If you dating are a serial liar and cheater, the rupture of trust in your personal intuition can be so deep that it turns in paranoia and even distrust of the entire world.

Our generation is proactively looking into these distortions, and doing this work to clear it from our mental, physical and energetic bodies so that the trauma ends in this lifetime. This is why in the past decade there has been a massive surge of plant medicine healing ceremonies and mindfulness practices such as meditation, dancing and breathwork. There are many ways to clear our bodies of this trauma, so that we can begin to live in the presence of joy and love which is always readily available. When we have trauma in our bodies, we misinterpret situations of love and act out of inherited patterning. Often, if a man is a serial cheater or physically abusive, this runs in the family and is either repressed or normalized. It takes willingness, prayer, support, forgiveness and embodiment to change the course of trauma- it takes self acceptance to hold the responsibility to end sexual trauma on an individual and collective level.

Cheating and lying has been made scandalously normalized by our media. Movies, television shows, novels and lyrics in songs create an emotional attachment with it’s users by amplifying story lines of infidelity. This is because it hits a shame body that’s relatable amongst most of us. What this popular media focuses on, rather than the true layers of trauma and societal repercussions, is REVENGE. When you realize that someone has “done you wrong” its programmed into us to create REVENGE rather than healing. REVENGE perpetrates fear and separation, it is not the solution.

“In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime.” *

Before we come into this life, we create karmic contracts with our soul family. From the place of unity and remembrance, we embrace and agree to sharing initiations on each person’s path towards self realization. I remind myself and my students of this truth when something impossibly challenging surfaces.

This week it was made public by a courageous community member the sexual predatory actions of another community member. I use to the word predatory careful, there is a difference between a perpetrator and a predator. This man is my former fiancé, and the final perpetrator of my life. He crossed my boundaries, manipulated and lied to me. These experiences empowered me to recognize and heal ancestral victim patterns within myself. After our breakup, he established an identity as a sexual healer and tantric relationship coach. This is when the word predator becomes relevant. He was intentionally creating a market that attracted women who were sexually traumatized and looking for healing and guidance in relationships- and then using his established social media celebrity identity and public romantic relationship to justify his actions. He lied not only to himself, but to his girlfriend and to his clients when acting unethically.

Originally, I didn’t think it would be of benefit to add my experience or knowing to this reveal. But after a week of processing with his former partner and realizing the depth of the trauma I remembered why I began voice activation work. I’ve had a sinus attack and have been coughing all week- clearing my throat chakra from what I thought was healed- while emotionally processing how to share this post. I never spoke out about what had happened- I was traumatized, full of shame, scared of being outcasted by my community, and I didn’t consider that he would act out again after I saw him through his healing process. Additionally, now being held and supported by community members who are there to meet me in the shadow, I’ve reflected deeply on how common it is for people who know the truth to look the other way. Looking the other way is denying the importance of ENDING TRAUMA. Together, as a community, we look INTO the truth of this man’s innocent soul. We pray, we send love and we hold vision.

There is a reason I mentor women who have been gaslighted, who have had their intuition denied and diminished, women who don’t feel confident or safe to speak their truth or set boundaries. There is a reason I work with women who are recovering from sexual trauma, and a reason I teach unconditional love, compassion and forgiveness. Our personal healing journey becomes the medicine that we share with the world.

When a woman is cheated on and lied to repeatedly it feeds an ancient wound of betrayal, abandonment and lack of safety. Sex and the exchange of sexual energy is deeply bonding, even if it’s a one night stand or naked photos. There is a multidimensional experience occurring, and the energy of shame and secrecy is empowering Trauma timelines.

The same week that I was given my engagement ring, I was working on set with my fiancé and received a message over social media from a woman I didn’t know. She said something like, “I’m sorry to do this to you, because you seem like a nice woman. And it looks like you’re really happy in your relationship, but you should know, your boyfriend has been sexually harassing me.” This was followed by a string of screenshots of her conversation with my then fiancé. I immediately held the voice of compassion and apologized deeply for his behaviors, and asked if she was okay. I then found my fiancé on set and asked to see his phone. My intuition had been sounding for months, and I as feeling increasingly uncomfortable with his desires for sexual expression, but I had no reason to believe he was cheating on me. I was fully surrendered to the illusion of our relationship, and I had given my everything to our union.

I was ready to address and work through this with him. When I went into his phone though, I found that he had carefully gone through his conversations and deleted all evidence of the infidelity. This was when my alarms went off, and the entire psychic download channeled in. As though the veil had been lifted in an instant, I remembered his early confessions of serial cheating, lying and sexual harassment, of how I had held him and forgiven him in place for the women that would never receive his apologies. I had believed that somehow my compassion and acceptance of his past would be the baptism to start anew. That our love was somehow different…

When I confided in a woman on set who I held close to my heart as a friend, she looked me cold in the eyes and blankly said, “Oh, I could see how that would be painful if you didn’t realize it was happening.” Right then and there, I felt isolated and like an idiot for believing in my relationship, for believing in our love, for believing in our ability to be in sexual expression and innocence. I didn’t know who I could trust.

The irony was that day we were on set at the DTLA Women’s March, and holding an event for women to share their life-long secrets. My role was to hold space for the hundreds of women, one at a time, and help them access their deepest secret and process before sharing it for the first time in front of a camera. Here I was, a total imposter, feeling impossibly locked and caged by my newfound secret.

That day I didn’t wait a minute before addressing the issue head on with my fiancé. I tried to move on, but the rupture was so incredibly deep and he wouldn’t come transparent, so I bought a one way ticket to India to find myself again and left him. At this time, I was in a living hell of heartbreak. Singing was the only thing that kept my heart open. Singing, moving healing vibrations through my body, and filling my lungs with air.

It took years before I could trust in men again. It took years before I could receive the love of men again. It took years before I could trust community, and myself again. Ultimately this share is not about my former fiancé, but a call forward to all men. Your actions have repercussions that are beyond the mental reach. A world where the feminine does not feel safe is not the world we are cocreating. A world where the mother carries trauma in her body and her womb, which then gets transferred to the fetus and the next generation of humans- it’s not okay. Each and everyone of us are self responsible to tend to our shadow self and our traumas. I recognize that my unaddressed ancestorial traumas called in this reflection and the hollowing experience that followed. I also recognize that it doesn’t need to happen to any more women, that there is a better way to resolve our pains and find self realization.

Ultimately, the medicine was in the thorn of the rose. I am incredibly proud of the woman I am today, and I honor every person and experience that helped pave the road less taken. May our initiation into unconditional love be of increasing Grace every single day. I have truly forgiven my former fiancé, and hold his original innocence in my heart while accepting the duality of this human experience and the self selected timelines of our individual integration process.

For Men and Women who feel stuck in sexual infidelity patterns:

• You are not a bad person. Forgive yourself. You are worthy of loving yourself.
• Recognize the shame monster. Infidelity is an addiction to Shame.
• Study. Read books and listen to podcasts to better understand yourself and the unconscious patterns and traumas that lead to secrecy, addiction and infidelity.
• Find an accountability partner, whether that be an outstanding friend, mentor or personal coach and let yourself be fully seen. No more secrets.
• Start anew. Your past does not define your future. You can make new decisions. Embody your healing.

Additionally you can look into family relationship patterns, identify what was normalized relating in your household when you were a child, and begin to explore alternative relationship styles other than monogamy. It’s our cultural conditioning that has the collective primarily engaged in monogamy- this is not for everyone. There are many shades of gray between monogamy and polyamory. A little bit of sexy study and empowered, clear communication with your partner can open up a world of experiences- together and in honest transparency.

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To learn more about the Author visit www.marlybenedicto.com or follow on instagram @marlybenedicto

Cited

*quote source Fetzer Institute

*2016 Study by Rachel Yehuda of Mount Sinai hospital